Oh Ervin,
Where do I even begin? I feel like you have a collection of letters from me by now because I've written you on your birthday every birthday for the past 16+ years. I guess it's sort of a tradition at this point. You're another year older and officially embarking on your late 30's. HA! I'm not alone anymore, fucker. It's still wild to me when I think back to when we met and you were just 20 years old, not even old enough to come to a bar with me to grab a drink. I also remember, somewhat, your 21st birthday and making it my mission to spend it with you. Which if I recall ended up in us making out for nearly an hour at some hole in the wall bar you insisted on going into. Not much has changed while so much has. That doesn't make any sense.
We're still us and in my mind we always will be. The connection that we have is unlike any other. It really is crazy how one conversation can turn into this. Into our worlds changing, us bending and makings this work despite the ocean between us. This is going to be my attempt at getting my feelings out. You know that I struggle with words. Especially when it comes to expressing how I really feel. But with you there's this sense of ease there. There's comfort, like I can tell you anything and I know you won't judge or think different of me. I can pour my heart out and while I'll feel extremely fucking vulnerable, you deserve to hear it. And maybe being completely vulnerable to you isn't such a bad thing after all.
I think there's always been something there between us. Everyone around us could see it but we were too blind to see it for ourselves. Friends, families, shippers on the internet. Everyone saw what we didn't. What we feared the other didn't feel. Life is about timing though and it took us all these years because our timing wasn't just right yet. Now is right though. I've never been more sure of anything before. I feel like a teenager again almost. I get the sweaty palms, the heart racing, the butterflies as the romantics call them. All of those feelings just flood me whenever I'm with you. A simple look can send me into this smiling mess of nerves. Good nerves, I promise. You know me like no one else. You see me for who I really am and you've seen me at my very worst and then some. Your hand has always been there to hold and for that I'm forever greatful. We call each other names, poke fun, talk like we hate each other at times but the reality of it all is that I do love you to Pluto and back. It's a planet. You can't just take away a planet because you feel like it.
I love you and those are words that you deserve to hear at least once a day. Even if it's just a text or something said at the end of a phone conversation. You should hear it because I never want you to feel otherwise. I know you worry. I know you wish that you could be here so we could spend more time together. We're making this work though and that's what people do. It's worth it. It's worth missing you and wishing that you were here. I know that you're on the other side of the ocean wishing the same. Besides, allow me to be cliche and say absense makes the heart grow fonder.
If you ever feel an ounce of doubt about us, about how I'm feeling, just read back to this. Know that with you my life feels complete. I'm positive I've never been this happy. Something about when I'm with you just washes the worry away. It washes away my imperfections, my anxieties, my stress. Know that I'm positive I've loved you for years, I just hadn't realized it yet. It's funny because though we've known each other for so long we're still in the beginning stages of a relationship. Nothing about us has ever been normal and that's something that I never want to change. We're dysfunctional in all the right ways. Nothing compares though to the way that I feel when you press your lips to mine, or even to my cheek when you're holding me as I try my best not to tremble on the Eiffle Tower.
Love always, Kameron
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